I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
