I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
he told me I talked like a deaf person
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
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