Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize
