I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Randomize
