i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
