When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
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