So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize
