I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
How does one acquire holy water?
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Randomize
