Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
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