What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Randomize
