I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
Only a mothe r could love this liver
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Randomize
