I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
It's never too late to be topless.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Randomize
