Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Randomize
