dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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