So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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