He kissed a someone with a penis
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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