I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
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