Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
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