What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
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