Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize