he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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