saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
I can't put those talents on a resume
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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