i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
