i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
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