the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
