When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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