i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
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