Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Randomize
