I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
