The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
