maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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