im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Randomize
