I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
Randomize
