He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Randomize
