I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
You left your phone here
Wait...
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