Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Randomize
