my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
