I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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