I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
