There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
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