y did u give ur computer a hand job?
I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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