Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
