I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
