i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
