My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
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