He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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