Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
you win again, gameday.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Randomize
