1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
BRING THE BAGELS
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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