my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
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