Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
