i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
