I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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