yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize