i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
i wonder if she gts uncomfortable walkin bu when she knows we all know what her pussy tastes like
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
We left an ass print on the piano.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Randomize
