i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Randomize
