I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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