Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
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