I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
