Fine. I'll sleep in my office
She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Randomize
