Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
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