I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Randomize
