Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
